Ten Years Later

It’s been ten years since my cousin’s passing in Nicaragua while we were on a youth mission trip. With the passing of time, some memories of the accident have faded, and time has healed some wounds. It doesn’t take away the gravity of what happened or the deep loss my whole family has felt. Nathan’s life mattered. In fact, it still does. I believe he accomplished what God called him to do on this earth, and his impact is still touching lives.

The memorial in Nicaragua where Nathan’s heart is buried gives testament to that. For years to come, people will remember a life surrendered to God and the ultimate sacrifice that was made. Did Nathan choose to go to Nicaragua knowing he would lose his life there? No, of course not. Yet he lived a life that was willing to follow God’s path even if it took him through the shadow of death.

See, death is really just a shadow for Christians. We are promised everlasting life through Jesus, and we know that we will see Nathan again. Yet despite knowing that, we are left with a shadow, a dark place where something has come between us and the light. In heaven there will be no mourning or death, and the glory of God will be the light (Rev. 21:23-25). We will be with Christ and our fellow Christians in a place where death can no longer touch us. Yet on the earth, temporarily, death blocks us from seeing the light of eternity.

Paul talks about this in his first letter to the Corinthians when he says, “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known” (1 Cor. 13:12). In a way, we are living in shadowlands on this earth, unable to clearly and fully see God’s plan. We have been told that He is good, but sometimes the glass we look through can darken that image. Then before we know it, we start doubting God’s goodness or even what good means.

A book that really helped me through not only Nathan’s passing but also a lot of questions about death was A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. In chapter 1, he had just lost his wife, and his feelings were very raw and unfiltered. He claims that it is easy to feel God when life is going your way but it seems that God abandons us when life gets hard. By chapter 3, Lewis notices that the grief isn’t as heavy as it was, and he says that tears can blind us to a lot. He knew that God was with him, but his tears caused him to not see God.

I realized how true that was for me. I still maintained my belief that God was good, but I got angry every time I heard someone say, “Oh, God wouldn’t let that happen,” or “God will protect you when you are in His will.” Those phrases are well-meaning and have partial truth, but the fact is that God is good even when bad things happen and that we sometimes get hurt despite being in the middle of God’s will. It doesn’t mean that He doesn’t love us or that He isn’t good. It just means that we are still looking through a dark glass or even our tears and can’t see Him clearly.

Since Nathan’s passing, I have been able to see a lot of God’s goodness, and the shadows don't seem as dark. I still have recurring dreams, though, that Nathan is still alive and that I’ve just misunderstood or gotten the details wrong about what happened. I’ve thought a lot about why I keep dreaming that specifically, and it reminds me of what someone told me about death, that God did not create us to die. His intention in creating humans was to have fellowship with him and an abundant, everlasting life. Sin and death were not a part of what God’s perfect plan was for us. 

In recognizing that, I connected it with another quote by C.S. Lewis that says, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” I can’t help but think that our shock at death, no matter how expected it was, is related to his statement. If we were not created for death and God’s intent for us was - and still is - to have everlasting life, then it should come at no surprise that death is a horrible shock to us. We feel a deep struggle when someone dies because something just doesn’t feel right about it. How could someone be with us one day but then just be gone?

As I ask myself these questions, my thoughts go back to the dreams I’ve been having. Is my brain still struggling after ten years to believe that Nathan passed away? Or is my brain trying to accept something it was never designed to cope with? Maybe it’s a bit of both. My encouragement lately, though, has been to know that while Nathan’s earthly body is no longer alive, Nathan is. He is in the presence of the Lord where there are no shadows, no death. He’s not here, on this side of the dark glass, but he’s on the other side of the glass, able to see the full glory of God. He is able to see God’s perfect plan and rejoice in it. When my dreams come back and tell me Nathan is somehow still alive, I will say yes, yes he is. More alive than any of us here.